I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Randomize
