I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
