ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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