I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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