Heybabeimwearingurpanties
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Randomize
