Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
