I accidentally had phone sex last night
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
