I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
