Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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