Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
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