you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
