The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Randomize
