dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
