k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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