I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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