DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
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