I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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