thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
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