Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
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