I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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