Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
