Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
