He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Randomize
