As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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