Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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