I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
