he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
