I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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