i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
