Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
