It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Randomize
