I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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