You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
