I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
