Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I am never drinking with the goths again.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
