I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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