My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Fuck appropriateness.
So there's 10 guys in this picture..I've made out with 5 of them. does this make me a slut?
eh 50% isn't bad..i'd say 80% is slut material.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
