So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
