Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Ketchup is God's man juice
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
