I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
not ubering you a puppy
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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