remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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