well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Randomize
