they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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