she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Randomize
