My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Bring me that man meat
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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