we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
