whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
