I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
