JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Randomize
