Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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