One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
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