I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
